Yes! FOOD! I do love my food, on a scale that's proportionate to how far America has wedged their dream down everyone's throat...So I have been advised by many a friend that Bill's is one of the places to go for a 'superb meal' -- I put this in quotes as I'm quoting their opinion... mine, however, shall reveal the truth of the matter.
Ah yes... for to say that The Teege has high standards when eating out is, indeed, as much an understatement as if one were to describe the Second World War as 'a bit of a kerfuffle'.
To begin, let's start with the breakfast. 8AM, Wednesday morning, drizzly. There you go -- scene set.
We enter. There is a gentleman... who looks like one of those guys from the Baz Lurhmann interpretation of Romeo & Juliet. Mercutio, I think. Kind of fella who'd pull a knife on you if you failed to tip. Then he sees us and the biggest smile comes out. He asks our purpose. Well, two guys turn up at 8AM, what do you think we wanted? FOOD!
Maybe he was just checking you two weren't going to start any upheaval regarding a passionate love affair being brokered between two feuding families' kids?
The service was good. I failed to ascertain the guy's name, but he was knowledgeable about the menu, and any changes we wanted were not a problem (I'm goddamn awkward, so that's a good thing).
He disappears and returns with our drinks -- mocha and latte. Guess 'pleasant' is about the best I can describe them. They certainly were a mocha and a latte, but there was no kick-in-the-balls strength or lustful moreishness, like when you find a nympho at 2AM (Mr White, hint hint -- not the Scottish broad from Monday).
Teege, you put my personal capers in your reviews again, and I'll see to it Santa puts you on the naughty list -- and I ain't talking about the corpulent capitalism-mongerer from Lapland. The food? Let's begin -- I ordered the full English. My companion ordered the blueberry pancakes.
The full English was, frankly, surprisingly good... to a level I actually found intriguing. The potato rosti felt crisp and fluffy; the bacon smoked, but not too heavily; the toast crunchy and buttered, eggs just over easy and some lovely beans. As for the 'Cumberland sausage'? The menu promises you get two small cocktail sausages. They were flavoursome, but not enough -- if you promise me a sausage, I want to see a goddamn sausage. My advice? Head to Massingham Bros. in Wroxham and do some research. One of their sausages could be classed as a lethal weapon.
I want to point out at this juncture that White Mason Reviews does not actively endorse the use of foodstuffs as a means by which to conduct meaty murder. Just in case I wake up tomorrow and the papers say some poor bloke got battered by a psychopath armed with a Pepperami on Prince of Wales Road and we get the blame.
Let's turn our attention to my companion's breakfast. The pancakes? Light, fluffy, warming; the maple syrup held up well, not too fine. The fruit fresh, and an all-round delight... the only thing is you only get three about side-plate-sized pancakes. The Teege demands more!
So as for breakfast, Bill's gets a surprising...
3.5/5 Stars
I could say well done -- but you forgot the goddamn sausage!
Now, on to dinner. The main course. The premier dish. The showcase.
By my standards, if a restaurant can't stand up on the basics, it isn't a restaurant.
I've seen the look The Teege gets on his face when these standards aren't met. The phrase 'seething avalanche of tranquil fury' barely equates.
The basics are simply good quality food, good service, and value for money.
So... Bill's? No pressure.Me and allegedly a 'significant' other (her choice of words) happened to stumble upon the place early one evening. To our surprise, the man who was there last time -- good old Mercutio -- stood close to the entrance. He did not greet us though, as we were instead met by some short, more stout woman with another beaming smile (seriously... where do these guys get their lessons? It's creepy...).
We're taken to a table upstairs. Right in the middle of the room, with the washing-up section about a stone's throw away behind (great positioning by the waitress... just what I want to hear all evening).
Remember that avalanche I just told you about? Methinks we just found its first snowflake of the night.
The lady -- again, no names -- was like Roadrunner. Gone in a flash. I have run busy restaurants, and one key thing that all your staff (including managers) should adhere to is to take time with your table, understand their needs, their wants and desires. Give them five minutes of your time, and reap the benefits when they piss off. Not "Hi, Order, Bye".
Two minutes later, some girl we haven't been introduced to approaches the table, announcing two bottles of pink lemonade. Seriously, this stuff is good, not gonna lie -- it was a darn sight better than any alcohol I could see in that split-second I had hold of the menu. That said, she then proceeds to disappear again before any thanks could be said.
A moment passes, then an arm reaches across the table and the two bottles disappear. Okay, so they were empty, but Jesus -- give it a few moments! Maybe I wanted to keep the bottle. Maybe I wanted to piss in it and throw it around a bit. Give me the goddamn chance to make a choice.
The fact you would even consider pissing in a bottle and throwing it around inside a public venue pretty much sums up why they likely wanted to remove said object from your vicinity with utmost speed, buddy...
The waitress then disappears and, I think the girl from before -- the one who brought the drinks -- appears asking if we're ready to order. I'm sorry, but does the lack of menus on the table say anything? Are you blind in one or both eyes? I'll give her this though -- she did apologise and leave just as promptly as Roadrunner.
The food turned up 15 minutes later, again delivered by another woman, so we have no idea who she is either. She quickly asks if we desire anything else. My perspective? Food cooked by a chef should be able to stand up alone without any condiments, if he or she is truly good. So... no would be the answer.Shall we begin with the meal's critique? The steak -- cooked beautifully. Peppered. Moist. Rich. A wonderful piece of meat.
The 15 or so fries it came with, on the other hand, tasted like sawdust. No flavour, or even purpose to be eaten. Maybe we could use them as firewood? But alas -- the speed that everyone moves in this place would put the fire out before we even got any warmth. Oh -- don't forget the scrunched up handful of watercress that was equally as pointless being on the plate.
The buttermilk chicken was a fillet butterflied with some salad garments draped around in a bun. The bun was not dry, not moist, not crispy, nothing... just bland. Again, more desert-scraped fries to accompany.
Overall, this was two drinks and two meals of pitiful portion size, apparently worth £40.00. Oh yes, and we didn't even have the option of taking the 'optional' 10%" tip off, as the lady quickly proceeded to key in the full amount when taking my card -- very swiftly, like a hyena on some scraps of meat. This, alongside a comment of "Was everything okay?" that was so generic and bored that the words dried her mouth as they left it. Maybe she was sneaking some of the chips in the back? I should have offered her a glass of water, but that might put the 'optional service tip' up again. SO I SHALL NAE BOTHER!
I think The Teege's inner angry dwarf is showing.
Overall, Bill's evening meal experience, inclusive of food, quality and service? 2/5 stars. I certainly will not be returning any time soon unless it comes with a free copy of Fallout 4, a gold-plated sausage, maybe the other half of the plate I was missing -- oh yeah, and take off the goddamn service charge. If a tip is deserved, you will receive it.
THE TEEGE IS NOT AMUSED! Overall, between both meals?
2.5/5 Stars
Go for the breakfast and leave promptly before dinner, or you may get caught short.
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